I have a friend in Oita who is French. I can't use his real name so let's call
him Gerard, after Gerard Philipe the ultra-handsome French actor. The very fact
that I am giving him this name should tell you my level of respect for the kind
of Get-Laid-King that he is. He had the Matthew Sweet penis (100% fun). (For
some inexplicable reason, I have always had at least one successful womanizer
as a close friend for most of my adult, and pre-adult, life.) Gerard would not
admit to it, of course. He does not consider himself a womanizer or a playboy
because he is looking for a serious relationship with someone he can marry. I
lost count of his girlfriends completely but at any given time he was sleeping
with three different women or more. It was very confusing because he would
never just say someone is his girlfriend. He would classify them into
sub-groups saying "She is not a girlfriend we are having a serious
relationship. That is a girlfriend. But this one is not yet a girlfri!
end, just a close friend. And the
rest? They are just people I sleep with." He never had more than two
He is a sucker for traditional Japanese culture and loves all the spiritual
things associated with it. When back in France, he dropped out of judo and took
up aiki-jutsu because judo was not spiritual enough for him. He goes to pottery
classes to learn traditional pottery as well as tea ceremony classes and flower
arrangement classes to learn all those classic arts. He is genuinely interested
in those lessons and the fact that he picks up a lot of women from each class
is an unintentional byproduct. I hear that he is a great singer. He is highly
educated. He is modest about his own looks, but his cousin is a fashion model
working in France.
A gaijin is something of a novelty in Oita and a French Gaijin even more so.
People invite him to parties and dinners if only as an ornament to impress
other guests, where, of course, he meets more women. So his was the Pizza Hut
penis (Making it great!). With the constant tidal wave of attention from
breathtakingly beautiful women, I cannot blame him if he could not get his sex
life in any kind of order. (I am sure he will disagree that it was disorderly.
He had it so well classified.)
He is constantly enthralled with how beautiful Japanese women are. One time, I
was having lunch with him in a French restaurant, where he had a good time
trashing the lousy French written on the menu. We talked mostly about his love
life and how he had been sorting through his schedule to arrange dates with all
his women and how he planned to sleep with three different women in the three
following nights, so the lunch was sandwiched between two strings of dates.
This was when he caught sight of the waitress. He was immediately smitten with
her so I interpreted for him and tried to get her phone number.
With this kind of virility, I was shocked when he asked me a few days later if
I could get some Viagra for him. Unless you have been living in a cave, you
should know that Viagra is a medication for the Life Call Penis (It's fallen
and it can't get up). Now, most drugs require a minimum of four or five years
after they have become available in the West to be approved for distribution in
Japan. Viagra was approved in a record of four months. The official explanation
for this was that the government feared illegally smuggled Viagra would become
a source of income for the yakuza. Of course, no one familiar with Japanese
politics bought the story, but many people welcomed the remedy for dickless
politicians. They have the AlkaSeltzer penis (pop, pop, fizz, fizz Ém)
I asked Gerard what he wanted the pills for, and he said he wanted them for
himself. On the third night of his string of dates, he went to a love hotel. He
intended to make it a special evening for her by ordering the best room, but
made the mistake of renting the room for two hours, or "gokyuukei", rather than
all night, or "otomari". Once in the room, the combination of fatigue and the
pressure to finish within the allotted time conspired to give him the Purdue
penis (More meat, less bone), the first in his life, and he was embarrassed
terribly. To insure that such a thing would never happen again, he wanted
For the uninitiated, the penis is a sort of balloon that is blown up with
blood. When the entrance of this balloon is open and the exit is closed, blood
flows in but cannot flow out causing the penis to swell. This is the phenomenon
scientifically known as the boner. There is a hormone called cyclic GMP that
works locally at the penis to open the entrance and close the exit. This
hormone has a very short half life, as evidenced by how quickly you can lose
your boner when the person you drunkenly picked up undresses in the hotel room
and reveals that she was actually a he. This is because there is an enzyme
called PDE5 which breaks cyclic GMP almost as soon as it is released, so you
need a constant flow of the hormone to sustain an erection. If you do not have
a constant flow, then tough luck. At least, that was the situation before
Viagra. Viagra blocks PDE5, so the hormone lasts longer. Thus, even without the
constant flow, you can keep up the Hot Rod.
I told Gerard that his problem was anything but the LACK of virility. What he
needed to do was to get some rest and never to rent out love hotel rooms on the
two hour bases. If you do, you will not only feel pressured to finish your
business quickly, which subtracts considerably from the romantic atmosphere,
but you will get that irritating telephone call from the sleepy manager saying
that your time is up and asking if you would like to extend your stay just when
you have your girl against the mirrored wall, impaled and suspended off her
feet with her arched neck bulging with pulsating veins and her fingers of both
hands clasping your scalp.
Besides, Viagra does not work for otherwise healthy people who cannot get it up
because of psychological pressure. Since, Viagra works locally at the penis, it
is not a remedy for psychological causes.
Also, there is a dark side to Viagra that nobody ever talks about, and I DON'T
mean its interaction with nitrates. What I am about to say is related to the
misconception that Viagra is some kind of aphrodisiac. ("If it can give that
old geezer a boner, imagine what it will do for ME!") It just doesn't work like
that. If a healthy person with ample cyclic GMP used Viagra, the likely outcome
is a prolonged erection, the Energizer penis (It keeps going and going and
going Ém). The bad news is, your blood will naturally clot and harden if it
stops flowing for a long time and you will get the Ragu penis (Comes out
chunkier than the rest). If you have an erection longer than four hours, the
blood will coagulate inside your penis and you will lose your stick for good.
You will have the 7Up penis (the un-penis). I used to work in an urological
hospital where I developed rapport with some urologists. One doctor told me how
they treated a prolonged erection. The first line of treatment is to drain the blood. You take two 18 gauge syringe needles and stick them to both sides of the penis. 18 gauge
is the largest size most hospitals stock and it is generally used to pierce
rubber caps to withdraw medicines from bottles. It is not usually used on
humans. You have to stick two of them because the penis is divided into two
compartments. You do not anesthetize because there is no blood flow. If this
does not do the trick you fill a big syringe with a solution of saline and
heparin, an agent that keeps blood from clotting, and stick the mother into the
penis and inject the liquid until you get the Excedrin penis (It's THIIIIISSS
Big!). Then you pull on the piston to retrieve the half hardened blood together
with the saline. Then you inject again and withdraw again and inject again and
withdraw again until the blood is all washed out. Believe me, this is not the
kind of pumping you want to do with your penis.
By the time I finished the story, Gerard had a look on his face like he just
had a brush with death. I added for effect that I could prescribe Viagra for
him but I would have to write on his permanent medical records that he had
erectile dysfunction. He decided he did not need it.
Gerard eventually found the love of his life. He says he is going to marry her.
He cut ties with all his girlfriends, serious friends, sex friends, casual
friends, friend friends and just friends and has sworn fidelity to her only. He
seems very happy about it. But if you ask me, I have seen what happens to
people after they have tasted the ecstasy of gaijin life in Japan, and it is
just too hard to give up so soon for most people. You get the Pringles penis
(Once you pop, you can't stop). I really wish Gerard all the best he can get.
But I have reservation about whether he can pull it off.
And me? Just the same ol same ol. I'd like to say that I have the Mortal Kombat
penis (Nothing can prepare you!) but I guess I'll take the modest route and
settle for the Nuprin penis (Little, yellow, different, better).