The Viagra Guy...(08/21/00)


I have a friend in Oita who is French. I can't use his real name so let's call him Gerard, after Gerard Philipe the ultra-handsome French actor. The very fact that I am giving him this name should tell you my level of respect for the kind of Get-Laid-King that he is. He had the Matthew Sweet penis (100% fun). (For some inexplicable reason, I have always had at least one successful womanizer as a close friend for most of my adult, and pre-adult, life.) Gerard would not admit to it, of course. He does not consider himself a womanizer or a playboy because he is looking for a serious relationship with someone he can marry. I lost count of his girlfriends completely but at any given time he was sleeping with three different women or more. It was very confusing because he would never just say someone is his girlfriend. He would classify them into sub-groups saying "She is not a girlfriend we are having a serious relationship. That is a girlfriend. But this one is not yet a girlfri! end, just a close friend. And the rest? They are just people I sleep with." He never had more than two "girlfriends".
He is a sucker for traditional Japanese culture and loves all the spiritual things associated with it. When back in France, he dropped out of judo and took up aiki-jutsu because judo was not spiritual enough for him. He goes to pottery classes to learn traditional pottery as well as tea ceremony classes and flower arrangement classes to learn all those classic arts. He is genuinely interested in those lessons and the fact that he picks up a lot of women from each class is an unintentional byproduct. I hear that he is a great singer. He is highly educated. He is modest about his own looks, but his cousin is a fashion model working in France.
A gaijin is something of a novelty in Oita and a French Gaijin even more so. People invite him to parties and dinners if only as an ornament to impress other guests, where, of course, he meets more women. So his was the Pizza Hut penis (Making it great!). With the constant tidal wave of attention from breathtakingly beautiful women, I cannot blame him if he could not get his sex life in any kind of order. (I am sure he will disagree that it was disorderly. He had it so well classified.)
He is constantly enthralled with how beautiful Japanese women are. One time, I was having lunch with him in a French restaurant, where he had a good time trashing the lousy French written on the menu. We talked mostly about his love life and how he had been sorting through his schedule to arrange dates with all his women and how he planned to sleep with three different women in the three following nights, so the lunch was sandwiched between two strings of dates. This was when he caught sight of the waitress. He was immediately smitten with her so I interpreted for him and tried to get her phone number.
With this kind of virility, I was shocked when he asked me a few days later if I could get some Viagra for him. Unless you have been living in a cave, you should know that Viagra is a medication for the Life Call Penis (It's fallen and it can't get up). Now, most drugs require a minimum of four or five years after they have become available in the West to be approved for distribution in Japan. Viagra was approved in a record of four months. The official explanation for this was that the government feared illegally smuggled Viagra would become a source of income for the yakuza. Of course, no one familiar with Japanese politics bought the story, but many people welcomed the remedy for dickless politicians. They have the AlkaSeltzer penis (pop, pop, fizz, fizz Ém) I asked Gerard what he wanted the pills for, and he said he wanted them for himself. On the third night of his string of dates, he went to a love hotel. He intended to make it a special evening for her by ordering the best room, but made the mistake of renting the room for two hours, or "gokyuukei", rather than all night, or "otomari". Once in the room, the combination of fatigue and the pressure to finish within the allotted time conspired to give him the Purdue penis (More meat, less bone), the first in his life, and he was embarrassed terribly. To insure that such a thing would never happen again, he wanted Viagra.
For the uninitiated, the penis is a sort of balloon that is blown up with blood. When the entrance of this balloon is open and the exit is closed, blood flows in but cannot flow out causing the penis to swell. This is the phenomenon scientifically known as the boner. There is a hormone called cyclic GMP that works locally at the penis to open the entrance and close the exit. This hormone has a very short half life, as evidenced by how quickly you can lose your boner when the person you drunkenly picked up undresses in the hotel room and reveals that she was actually a he. This is because there is an enzyme called PDE5 which breaks cyclic GMP almost as soon as it is released, so you need a constant flow of the hormone to sustain an erection. If you do not have a constant flow, then tough luck. At least, that was the situation before Viagra. Viagra blocks PDE5, so the hormone lasts longer. Thus, even without the constant flow, you can keep up the Hot Rod.
I told Gerard that his problem was anything but the LACK of virility. What he needed to do was to get some rest and never to rent out love hotel rooms on the two hour bases. If you do, you will not only feel pressured to finish your business quickly, which subtracts considerably from the romantic atmosphere, but you will get that irritating telephone call from the sleepy manager saying that your time is up and asking if you would like to extend your stay just when you have your girl against the mirrored wall, impaled and suspended off her feet with her arched neck bulging with pulsating veins and her fingers of both hands clasping your scalp.
Besides, Viagra does not work for otherwise healthy people who cannot get it up because of psychological pressure. Since, Viagra works locally at the penis, it is not a remedy for psychological causes.
Also, there is a dark side to Viagra that nobody ever talks about, and I DON'T mean its interaction with nitrates. What I am about to say is related to the misconception that Viagra is some kind of aphrodisiac. ("If it can give that old geezer a boner, imagine what it will do for ME!") It just doesn't work like that. If a healthy person with ample cyclic GMP used Viagra, the likely outcome is a prolonged erection, the Energizer penis (It keeps going and going and going Ém). The bad news is, your blood will naturally clot and harden if it stops flowing for a long time and you will get the Ragu penis (Comes out chunkier than the rest). If you have an erection longer than four hours, the blood will coagulate inside your penis and you will lose your stick for good. You will have the 7Up penis (the un-penis). I used to work in an urological hospital where I developed rapport with some urologists. One doctor told me how they treated a prolonged erection. The first line of treatment is to drain the blood. You take two 18 gauge syringe needles and stick them to both sides of the penis. 18 gauge is the largest size most hospitals stock and it is generally used to pierce rubber caps to withdraw medicines from bottles. It is not usually used on humans. You have to stick two of them because the penis is divided into two compartments. You do not anesthetize because there is no blood flow. If this does not do the trick you fill a big syringe with a solution of saline and heparin, an agent that keeps blood from clotting, and stick the mother into the penis and inject the liquid until you get the Excedrin penis (It's THIIIIISSS Big!). Then you pull on the piston to retrieve the half hardened blood together with the saline. Then you inject again and withdraw again and inject again and withdraw again until the blood is all washed out. Believe me, this is not the kind of pumping you want to do with your penis.
By the time I finished the story, Gerard had a look on his face like he just had a brush with death. I added for effect that I could prescribe Viagra for him but I would have to write on his permanent medical records that he had erectile dysfunction. He decided he did not need it.
Gerard eventually found the love of his life. He says he is going to marry her. He cut ties with all his girlfriends, serious friends, sex friends, casual friends, friend friends and just friends and has sworn fidelity to her only. He seems very happy about it. But if you ask me, I have seen what happens to people after they have tasted the ecstasy of gaijin life in Japan, and it is just too hard to give up so soon for most people. You get the Pringles penis (Once you pop, you can't stop). I really wish Gerard all the best he can get. But I have reservation about whether he can pull it off.
And me? Just the same ol same ol. I'd like to say that I have the Mortal Kombat penis (Nothing can prepare you!) but I guess I'll take the modest route and settle for the Nuprin penis (Little, yellow, different, better).

By Oscar


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