ead on if you can still see through the tears!.

Whilst I was selling my soul to Portsmouth University every day, getting more and more disillusioned about just how beneficial wasting years in lecture theatres could be, I decided to concentrate my energies tracking down May. As I remembered, she hadn't mentioned often where she was going to be studying. 4 letters came into my head one day. S.O.A.S. What the hell was SOAS? I thought. I tried a search for SOAS on the net, and came up with some results. The School of African and Oriental Studies in London. After further research I found that SOAS wasn't a university in it's own right, but a division of the University of London. I was also to find out later that it is also probably Londons premiere hotbed for chicks of the Asian persuasion.

I didn't have a clue which Halls of Residence May would be at, so I phoned the university up and tried explaining that I was trying to find a girl I knew from Japan but had lost her address, and just whatever came into my head, but it was impossible due to the Student Privacy Protection Act which prevents universities giving out names and addresses. I phoned up some of the halls and tried some bullshit to sweet talk them, but nothing worked. I really was screwed, May wasn't replying to my e-mails, and I didn't know how else to find her. I didn't have many options left..no one knew her..no one knew her in England!. But I remembered there was the husband. He'd have her address in London. And I did have his address. As Baldrick out of BlackAdder might say "I had a cunning plan". May had told me they were more close friends that humped than a proper couple, and that he knew about her playing around and had done ever since they married. I was still a little cautious though, shit, I mean, what was I supposed to say,

"Hey man, I didn't get enough of banging your wife in Japan, so you wouln't mind forwarding her new address in London to me would you?".

I had to just pray that she was telling me the truth about the marriage being as false as she stated, or else I was going to come out of this whole rocky situation looking like a real dickhead. What I decided to do would be to get Rick to write a formal letter to the guy, saying that I was in fact a foreign friend of Mays, a female foreign friend, and that I had met her in Sapporo during the summer, but found out I'd mislaid her address when I arrived in England. La-di-da. Put it in the envelope, licked the stamp, stuck it in the postbox. I have to admit before I posted the letter my conscience was screaming at me, but what the hell, I posted it anyway. No going back now, I thought with a sly grin. Sure is true when they say love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Only thing I had to worry about now was some mad Japanese businessman coming to my door my door in England with his katana sword screaming "BAAAAANZAAAAAAI!!" before cutting me to shreds with it as punishment for screwing the wife.

Weeks pass. By this time I was seriously wondering if I'd been an idiot coming back to the UK when I could've bought a fake degree in Japan, as University had turned out to be a real waste of time learning rubbish like Prolog and ADA. And last time I checked I had no intention of moving to Saudi Arabia and designing missile sentry programs, so you could say I was wound up and looking to move on. 9 out of 10 of the worlds richest men are college drop-outs. Suddenly I was surrounded by guys who'd never been out of England, and who'd only just left their parents places. I had a hard time finding people I had anything in common with at all. Nobody was into Japan in the least, and I found there was no point in even mentioning I'd been there in the end. Don't get me wrong, I had a few good nights out on the piss, but I simply felt like I was wasting precious time, and that I was stuck in a rut not enjoying University life, and desperate to get back to Japan. I suppose that's the reason why Young Dudes Guide to Japan was created, I woke up onde day wanting to create a place where I could bring together people like myself. People who had woken up. And surely I wasn't the only guy in the world who thought Japan was the most magical place there is?? Anyway, (que Star Wars style narration) so I started this dirty little page. And through it I've met quite a nice little community of diiirty little Asian-babe lovers. From the darkness, from the shadows..you see, we're out there...multiplying..festering away. Assimilating into the workforce, we keep our enemies close to ourself in preparation for the day when we rise..waiting..Who is a member, how can you know that your closest and dearet isn't secretly one of us? the man behind the check-out..the postman..the fireman..the hillbilly.. how do you know they don't have an Asian female tucked away at home?a nod and a brief smile is all it takes for one to recognise his brothers, for they are there in their multitudes, they are there, rising, infesting women of the orient with their WHITE DEMON SEED!! GUWAA HAHAHAH AAAAAAAAA! (echoing laugh into the darkness).

Just kidding, but you think I tell my lady about this site though? Hell no...

Anyway, back to the story. I was miserable in England, and missed all my real friends in Japan, those guys I'd met who were older and wiser. We'd sit around a camp-fire like a bunch of bums round a barrel and talk about how fucked-up the world was, how the American Indians probably came from Japan, how Tales of Genji was the first novel ever written, how Basque is the most difficult language in the world to learn, how peanuts are used in dynamite...I dunno, just stupid, insignificant bullshit things that you pick up when you travel around and talk to people who've been out and about. I missed talking to those sorts of people. People of the same design.

One day, long after I'd sent the letter to May, a white envelope arrived in the post. Immediately I noticed it was May's handwriting on the front! I opened it.

"Dear Kris, How are you? Thank you for your trouble, I received the letter you sent to my husband in Japan.. I can tell you I've been depressed from my studies, and lonely..I've cried many times, but your letter has managed to remove those sadnesses. Please come and see me sometime, stay with me for a while..May"

She had left the address, phone number, everything at the bottom! I was bloody happy that I'd tracked her down, and immediately I picked up the phone and dialed through to her.

"MAY!!MAY!! It's me Kris!"
"Hi Kris!", she said enthusiastically, "So you found me then!".
We talked bustfully about old times, and about life in England. I couldn't take the smile off my face. She said that she was busy with exams right now, but in a couple of weeks she'd be on holiday. She seemed happy that I'd called her and keen to meet up.
The next couple of weeks I spent in anxiety until finally I got the chance to go to London to see her. She looked fine, a little thinner, but more beautiful than I remembered. She laughed as she'd never seen me in a suit. The fact was I didn't any other decent enough clothing to fit the occasion. I hugged her and she showed me to her place. It was strange seeing May on my turf, England. We talked about the fun we got up to in Sapporo in her room, and soon later we went out for a walk to the local supermarket, and were chatting along like the friends we were before. Later on when we returned she even invited a friend from her university who was from Sapporo so it was a great experience to communicate with someone else who knew the old stalking grounds.
We'd bought some cheap wine from Sainsbury's and so by about eight o'clock the room was starting to spin, and May was no less intoxicated. Up till then, we'd had a normal conversation, but now it seemed to be constantly turning to Mays own opinions of herself, and she kept going on about other guys all the time. I didn't know what sort of trick she was trying to play, if she was trying to make me jealous or what, but she was acting seriously conceited, and according to her was being chased all over the UK by guys of every colour. In Japan I suppose I'd been the exotic attractive one, but here in England she was the novelty - and not just for guys who were AAA, but for any Joe Blow who can appreciate a beautiful lady. She could've taken this in her stride instead of bragging about it to me and slowly flushing her dignity down the toilet. All she seemed to do was brag about how many guys she could get if she wanted to, and how she was getting hit on all the time she occupied the London night-spots. Sure, I'd bagged a lot of chicks in Japan. I hadn't boasted about it, but May had heard it from people I worked and lived with, and we'd also come across a couple of the chicks whilst out on the town and it must've been obvious to May I'd been with those girls. At the time I didn't think she'd been jealous, stupidly, but I guess she had been , and now she was starting to piss me off and assail me with doubts as to why I was even there in the first place. Why didn't Confuscius ever write about how to deal with Chinese chicks...
Knowing I had to keep my mouth shut about my indignation or else face being evicted from her place, but whilst May continued with her bombardment, I sat there not paying much attention, and thinking. See, May was probably thinking inside that I saw this hugely confident and independant individual, but in reality all I saw was this insecure little girl with a lot of defences. The big difference between her and I was that, whilst I was a playboy piece of shit in Japan, for me it was simply a stage of maturity, or an opening of new horizons, call it what you will. Previous to my ex-girlfriend, and previous to Japan I hadn't spent any abundancy of time with a wide variety of ladies, and what happened in Japan was my sexual windfall. I'm not saying I don't feel guilty for the ladies that were actually interested in me that didn't get a call-back, and yes I did feel like sometimes meaningless sex over there was an empty experience, but hey, as empty experiences go...Regardless, I knew I was different from May. I didn't mean to screw with peoples emotions and money, but shit happens. I had dreams. Christ knows what May wanted to do with her life. I sometimes wonder if May knew the difference between accepting charity, and being a parasite.

Anyway, reason is littered with forgivefullness, so while May talked I nodded and tuned-out whilst I admired her beauty, and spent the whole night in those iridescent eyes.
I could tell you what happened after the wine bottle grew empty, but I should respect her as a woman, and it wouldn't be gentlemanly if I told you I shagged her several times.

So mission complete. I went back and forth to London to see her sporadically over the next few months. Now that we had more relaxation time together, I had a chance to get to know May better. One day I'd asked her about why she was so well-off financially. She started to tell me the story of how she'd met an old guy in her office, who asked her one day if there was anything she wanted. She said she wanted a new bed as a joke, and the next day one arrived at her door. The Japanese guy who was looking for a wife to replace his deceased one, and May became the target of his affections. He was a millionaire who took it upon himself to finance Mays further education when she decided she'd like to live in England for a couple of years, without compension, although I wondered what sort of repayment he would expect when May returned to Japan. I wondered if she would marry a guy purely for money, if she was that sort of girl. Her heart was a mist-filled masquerade of secrets.
As for Mays husband, well, it seemed that she hardly ever talked to him. He had been nothing more than a convenience. She slept with him occasionally, but she wasn't even sure if he loved her or not. She also was a little surprised that he had passed onto her the letter that was written for her, as May told me it had been written in male language, and seemed suspicious. I took a mental note to put Ricks balls in a vice when I got back to Portsmouth.

In the evening one day during some heavy foreplay some of Mays friends knocked on the door and they invited us out to go to a pub that was open till the morning, and though it was already past midnight and I had been pissed since 8, we decided to go. Actually, I was glad to get out of the room, as the heat eminating from the radiator had me stripped down to my boxers and sweating my nuts off. Anyone who's ever had an Asian girlfriend has probably had a similar experience.
Mays flat-mates introduced me to a Japanese friend of theirs, a guy called Hiro, who'd lived in New York far too long judging by a disturbingly full Bronx accent. We talked for a while and he said he'd come along to the bar and chill.

Pretty soon we were all wasted, Hiro was amusing shouting rude Japanese slang on purpose to piss off the poofter behind the bar who was some annoying European and I sat with May trying to explain to her a joke with extreme difficulty, "What is a short-sighted circumciser? and why did he get the sack? I don't get it?".
Eventually I think she started to laugh out of pity, and after getting her another drink and with Hiro hitting on some Italian/Black babe that had come with us, and May and I were just relaxing to some Bob Marley beats, laying back on some make-shift couch in the upper levels of the bar. It was just so good, like old times, with her cradled in my arms. Once again, I was in love with my blue moonlight girl. She gave me a warm smile..shit my heart nearly flew out of my chest. "May, you are perfect, aren't you?" I said.

"Yes" she said almost seriously. And to my angst she got up and began to flirt with other guys in the bar, including Hiro. What was this Jekyll & Hyde act? As the night grew on we got tired and decided to go back to her pad. May walked ahead with her friends, and Hiro began to talk to me.

"So, hey man, when she speaks in Japanese, it's like a, well, I can't tell the difference. She has some kind of boyfriends? I mean you think she can be like, a one night girl? She seems that way..She's not with you, is she?"

I gave him a confused look, but it was obvious that he hadn't seen me and May fooling around earlier. I said that she wasn't really, I mean, it was true I wasn't May's boyfriend, and she'd probably be pissed if I went around telling people she was that, so I told Hiro that, if he could get it, then he should go for it. He didn't seem much of a player anyhow, so I figured a guy like that wouldn't make a move. Even if he did, my mixed feelings might prevent me from doing anything. I didn't see her as my personal property, but I was curious myself as to how I would react if she were with another man.
When we got back to her place, she'd put on some music and everybody began dancing drunkenly in her room, which I laughed at at first, but then got so drunk I began to join in. One drunken Indian babe started dancing next to me, and then part her arms around me while May watched. I had to admit I enjoyed the fact that May looked a little jealous watching me bump and grind with the girl, but then she got me right back by grinding sexily with Hiro.
I couldn't help but glance regularily at them both, and I realised I was getting jealous. All of a sudden my visceral reaction caught up with me and I shouted at Hiro "Get your hands of my girl man!". He did so immediately, and although I smiled straight afterwards, he seemed a little shell-shocked, and didn't bother her again for the rest of the night. Later, we went for a smoke together. Hiro spoke: "If you liked the girl you could have said that before, but it doesn't matter now man."
He laughed. I told him that I liked her, but I wasn't 100%. I shrugged, offering only my confusion.
"Yeah, she's this kind of girl it seems, I can tell already, like a fire. You should be careful. Maybe she is just not for the girlfriend, man."
That made me think. But back inside I grabbed May and soon we were twirling comfortably around in each-others arms, a little tired from the nights events. The music slowed, and her perfume racked my senses. We were in a movie, the crowd seemed to dissapear, every word becomes a word never to be forgotten, and it was just me and her, nothing else in the world. Somehow in that time, I realised how much May was completely wrong for me, but somehow I'd fallen for her.

Anyway, soon the shindig was over, and it was just me and May and this shagadellic little Indian chick who was dancing even after I'd stopped the music. Suddenly the Indian fell to the ground, loaded. Obviously she'd sucked down a little too much of fermented bamboo-shoot, but May had an anxious look on her face as I made sure the girl was okay just to be sure. Once she realised the chick was fine May laid back onto the bed, and I carefully picked up the Indian girl and carried her back to her room. When I came back, May was waiting on the bed for me, looking at me with curiousity. She gave me that 'Screw me and go to sleep' expression, but that night I'd felt like I couldn't just be my casual self. Things with May had gone on for too long, they'd gotten emotional. It was all fun and games at first, but as the feelings ran deeper I felt I just didn't want to be 'one of the many' guys she'd been with, I thought that I was special to her as she'd told me. I went to the toilet, and looked thoughtfully at my reflection in the mirror.

When I came back she was asleep, or at least her eyes were closed.

As I laid beside her I looked towards her face, wondering if I really knew this person. Not knowing. I saw her without the cruelty, without the heartlessness..just a beautiful innocent face. Not caring. I spoke softly:

"Do you know how much I truly love you May?..."

Not really expecting an answer, I soon fell asleep next to her not expecting that she'd heard me, but I noticed her arms fold around me before I drifted off.

When we woke up the next morning, May punctually told me again she wanted to do it. I told her she was heartless, and she said she didn't care. And with that, I finally realised that deep down May didn't love me, she couldn't love anyone. I somehow believed I could've changed her, and had grown to care for her deeply. I suppose I'd just been holding on. For me, our relationship was precious. We'd been two strangers brought together in a foreign land. We'd cared for eachother, even depended on eachother at times. And there we were, in London. What I felt for her was love, maybe not the kind of love that comes from security and sunday walks along the beach, but a deep and dark emotion, a sickening, self-possessing addiction. Touch but don't taste. May couldn't express anything even remotely comparable to love, real love. May taught me that some people are just like that, they don't need the release. Sex was as far as it went between us. Who knows if the source was anything more than just a shitty past, or something wrong in the programming. I wanted her to feel something special towards me, and I was ready to commit to this girl who honestly meant a great deal to me. I was fairly certain that, actually, she hadn't been seeing other guys at all, probably just using rich assholes to buy her stuff, and then dumping them.

I'd been with a variety of 'play-girls' but May, well, she was the one that finally got me. She'd done the impossible and made me think about sex being much more than just a thing that two bored people do to pass the time. For the first time in my life, I couldn't get a boner because a girl didn't love me. She was pissed to say the least at my actions.

"Why can't you just do it to me?!" she said in an irritated tone.

Anger rose in me.
"Because I'm tired of this, the sex just isn't important to me as it is to you. Your feelings for me are. If you don't love me by now, then you never will. Don't get stressed, there are plenty of guys who will use you like shit, so you can find somebody else if that's what you need. You should marry that older man if it's money that just makes you happy, because I can't make you happy May, I'm just f*cking Kris okay?! I'm just a f*cking guy who's sick of this mind-game shit!! I've got a heart!! "
I think that was the moment I finally got sick of it all. For a minute there I thought that she was going to say something, I prayed that she would but she didn't. So, I got dressed and packed my things. As I pulled the bag over my shoulders I gave her one last long look, amd then left without saying anything. She probably didn't even think I was serious at the time. On the train home I felt so depressed, I didn't know if I'd done the correct thing or not. But if I didn't mean anything to her then she wouldn't call me again. But I couldn't contact her first. The next move was hers alright, and, although panic spread through me to think that I would never see her again, I went back to my life. The whole thing seemed like a twisted game that perhaps I'd won, but I didn't feel victorious. She had a bitter heart, and was lost in her own world of superficiality, where looks and money and making others want to be you was everything that powered a person...Christ it could've been so easy if May had just herself go and just start trusting me, if not as a lover, then just as a friend. She always saw it as her against the world, always scrabbling for recognition when she had done nothing to deserve in. Somehow, I found it hard to imagine that I might never see my beautiful China girl again.

Not that it matters, it occured to me a week later, it was never the reality of her that I was in love with after all, but her ghost.