magine yourself in your own country, be it England, the USA, Germany, France, whatever (Swedish you're excempt because you already got some pretty fine women over there). Wouldn't it be great if you could just find girls who weren't all 90's modern woman, and female supremist, talking like a guy and about their right to have the best orgasm they can, reading books about the 100 top ways to achieve their career aims, and crushing the men on their way to the top. Wouldn't it be nice just to find a kind, polite girl, who wasn't actually that worked up about womens state in society, just didn't really mind that the world is pretty much male-dominated, and actually quite enjoyed simply getting on with it, getting the most out of whatever life offers them. Someone who is ultra-feminine, of the surfer-chick mentality, and sexy aswell. Not a push-over mind you, but not too frontal. Like Ally McBeal but less of a skank in the looks department.

Well, that's Japanese girls, dude!. Most of them anyhow. And to top that they come in pinapple, vanilla, and mint-choc chip flavours! *joke*. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with other type of birds, but those 90's career mistresses are just not my cup of tea, and probably not yours either if you're here reading this. Ladies I know you're only trying to be the best that you can be, which is fair enough, but countries like ours don't know where they're going, we're all just crashing into the 21st century without knowing what the hell's going on with all this gender reversal, new man, faggoty shit. Japan's not like that, they've got it sorted I reckon. They live in a very easy-going harmonious society, where everything and everbody works together to keep some kind of order, but of course, Japan has its problems. Women have a set place in a male-dominated society. Are they happy about it? I think so. For some reason or other while the rest of the world is falling to shit, Japanese women are succesfully able to adapt to modern values whilst still retaining a mastery of femininity and grace - perhaps something that females elsewhere are beginning to lack. Japanese chicks are like Disney-cartoon characters.

Of course, anybody who's been in a long-term relationship with a Japanese broad will know that they're not the tepid little flowers of the East that people envision them to be, but real women who know how to bitch when the bitchings good. But what they don't do is smoke more than you do, they don't drink you under the table, and they aren't filthy-mouthed she-men, like the ones that you might find down your local nightclub. A dudes gotta feel like a dude at the end of the day, gotta feel like he can come home to someone who needs him around. To tender, reciprocal love of the kind that you can see in old 50's Hollywood movies, and what is slowly becoming a myth in todays Western bigger better deal society. Let's face it, since us guys can't all be Brad Pitt, we tend to take the path of least resistance and go for the type of women whose expectations are just a little lower than modern day Western womans. Is that running away and selling out? or is that just using your brain resourcefully to get the best girl you can? You tell me. I could probably going into some deep-seated diatribe about Western chicks declination and the negative affects of feminism in the West, but I'll leave that to the anthropologists and before I get tied in with the asian fetishist crowd and not just a guy with a preference. Lets just say that I believe Japanese women could definitely their Western counterparts a trick or two about being real ladies, and you can quote me on that. Some of you Europeans are probably sitting out there after reading this with a confused expression on your face, thinking "Hang on, the women in my country aren't like that..". All I can say is, look, don't forget I'm a Brit, and we have it pretty rough as far as women over here are concerned...I mean, why do you think we spread out the British Empire and had so many explorers and people going abroad? Because we were trying to get away from English women, of course! Jesus why else would Shackleton be so desperate to go to the North Pole! The 'uumph' in some of these chicks amaze me. It amazes me to this day that in this country you can find girls over here with 35 inch waists who still think they're Gods gift to man. This is a generalisation of course, after all, my mother is an English woman, and she manages to be perfect somehow. And if anyone has ever heard a Japanese woman sing, you'll know Japanese chicks have their weaknesses.

Japan can be a highly repressive country in some ways, but that's why you are so lucky, because you're the gaijin, or foreigner.
You don't fit into their society, and they don't expect you to, some people might argue that they don't even want you to. I reckon some of the Japanese people over there love being with foreigners as it's kind of their chance to escape the hum-drum normalism of life in the Japanese society. They know if they're cruising with a foreign dude or dudette, they can speak their minds, take it easy, be themselves. There's no pressure to conform or to avoid expressing their own opinions. There's a saying in Japan that 'the nail which sticks out further than the others will be hammered down', and this just about sums up Japanese life, unless of course you are the out-of-the context foreigner, with your exotic western features (haha), and the various illuminations of life in countries that they can only d dream about, of fast-food diners, Route 66, of medieval knights and chivalry, colonial wars, German beer-festivals, Spanish salsa, anything relative. For you, it's just bollucks to talk about how in your country you have twenty different flavours of ice-cream, or how you drink tea with scones at the Ritz that one time, and met the Queen (I have by the way and she was so close that I could've smacked her in the mouth), but for the Japanese with their enchantment for Western life, it's as though you're unravelling details of a mysterious and exciting world that they have only had peripheral experience of, but as yet was fully unobtainable until the day they met you. Most things foreign in Japan can be associated with a certain amount of chic in Japan, so if you walk around Tokyo or anywhere else, generally you'll see a lot of advertisements written in incorrect and often hilarious English or French, and many television programs have English translation subtitles, or are dubbed. Like a guest of honour, you find yourself being invited to all sorts of does by people you hardly know. The first time some guy did this to me, I thought he was gonna try and touch my ass at the izakaya or something, but no, he was just genuinely interested in England and what I was doing in Japan. You can either like it and just enjoy it, or feel very alienated by it. Me, I don't give a toss, I love going to barbecues and bars, any freebies are fine by me!

Anyway,if you're Japanese skills are limited the best places you meet chicks has got to be the Gaijin bars. Usually partly owned by, or at least run by foreigners for foreigners, these are the places where you meet the most open and genuine Japanese guys, and ladies who are often keen on guys from abroad. The ones in Sapporo are backwater dumps, but it's always fun to get pissed out of your skull and beat-up an Iraqi or two when you're feeling down.
Because these bars are plainly designed for the foreign community, or one look through the window and it should be obvious anyway, the Japanese who frequent there usually fit into these categories:

  • They know pretty good English and love practising with natives.
  • Are gay and too shy to come-out in other places were they'd be treated with disdain.
  • Have been abroad for study at one point in their life, and want to seek out foreigners to chat with about their past.
  • They're hot for foreigners and are actively seeking a foreign boy or girl for love and marriage or else just a quick bonk.
Who's a young, buffmeister like me to complain??. Anyway, the Hang-Outs page has a little bit about where to go and when if you're ever in Sapporo.

Of course if you're even in Tokyo, there are places like Roppongi's Gas Panic and Juliana's which are literally throbbing with ladies that will love-you-long-time, BUT...just kidding, there is no but. Go there and you will get laid unless you have a face like a lepor with acne, or you're French. Actually I'm just joking about the lepor part. Tokyo is fine, but there's more competition from Mr.Tourist and the like, and the girls who go to the clubs there are likely to have banged every gaijin to come through the doors, so don't expect any special treatment, and I wouldn't keep your fingers crossed for the girl you hook up with will be there the next morning. I suppose that suits a lot of guys who are playing around and going to Japan for a weekend sex-holiday but they would probably get a better deal if they went to Thailand or the Philipines. I seriously recommend anyone going to Japan to be original and adventurous, and get out of the big cities. I mean, if you're going to go all the way to see Japan, you want to see Japan, not the concrete meltdown that is Tokyo, which is about as Japan as London is England.

To finish off, I'm going to make an attempt to categorize the kind of chicks you come across in babe-fest Japan. This is easier to do than with other countries because Japanese seem to fall into distinct groups depending on their age/maturity. This isn't to say they're unoriginal in their way of thinking so to say, but they tend to save their little ideosyncrasies for special occasions or when they get home. Take a look at the list below to see what types exist:

  • Gyaru - I guess you'd call them teeny-boppers in any other country, but in Japan these little ladies are so distinctive, they deserve a title of their own. Without a doubt these are the most despised type of all the categories mentioned here, Ko meaning child and gyaru is girl. These girls generally travel in groups of at least three and can only fit the description of 'overly made-up, wearing overly-bright-clothes, with overly loud voices'. They're the Japanese version of the young American trailer-trash you always see on Ricky Lake or Jerry Springer who have a limited vocabulary of "What-eveeeer!" and "Yo'ssa jussa jealous ho!", and make extensive use of it. In Japan this is replaced by "Choou mukatsuku de kaaaanji! (That pisses me off!)" and "Aitsu mukatsuku!! (that guys a wanker!!)", and other expletives of that nature that are screamed at decibels that could break glass - anyone who's ever watched a Japanese porno will know the kind of octaves I'm talking about here.

    The funny thing is the Japanese have different words to express the growing ages of these ladies. You're kogyaru only if you're between the ages of 14-18, any older than that and you're just simply gyaru. Actually I think ones that are younger than 14 are called mokugyaru or something but I forget. There is a Japanese male equivalant of the gyaru called the gyaru-wo, who can look equally cool in their beach-bum summer gear, but again, they often overdoe it and end up looking like homos.

    These girls spend every penny they have trying to look like the most in pop or fashion idol at a time - well, actually many normal Japanese women do this, but upscale gyaru will go at it like they've something to prove. In fact, Japan is a commercialists dream if advertising success rates are anything to be looked at. In England, if we see Leonardo Di Caprio advertising mobile phones, we don't all go out and buy that particular brand, we might be influenced by the fact that Leonardo says it's "handy, small and comes in black", sure, but at the end of the day, if it's handy, small and comes in black but it's a piece of shit with expensive call-rates, we'll buy it. In Japan, they'll go out and buy it anyway, just because DiCrappio bigs it up. Thus is the psychology of the Japanese. Now you know why you read about celebrities doing 30 second ads and getting millions for it in Japan. Advertising is BIG business over there, and no-one follows the crazes more closely than gyaru. They'll spend every penny they earn to be just as cool as the latest singers, actors or whatever, they'll even sell they're ass on the streets to dirty old men to get the cash to buy the latest Gucci Bag, or winter coat.. I don't know, sometimes these girls look stunning and sometimes more like the Bride of Frankenstein. Take for example the summer I was there, they were trying to copy the look of some actress who had dark skin, and the in fashion was Hawaian clothes, so everybody was walking around in flowery shirts and bright yellow dresses, and had dyed their hair blonde and white and stuff. Some girls kept the make-up to a minimum and looked yummy, with olive-skin tan and nice highlights, but some gyaru looked like someone had set fire to their face and put it out with a frying pan. Burnt friggin' toast, with shock-horror white hair that made them look like ghosts or something from the Night of The Living Dead. These colourful types are also playfully nicknamed yamamba which translates to 'Mountain Hag' or ganguro, 'Cancer Face'.

    Here's a pic to send you off:

    AAAAGGGHHHHH!!! What a screaming nightmare... A lot of my time was spent amused by gyaru, I have to admit. The good ones really are incredibly beautiful, and nowhere else on earth is there a better percentage of an ugly dude getting a bonzai babe that he didn't buy than in Tokyo. The shit will baffle you until you realise that for a gyaru it is considered DAMN cool to be dating a gaijin. Kind of up there with having the latest Gucci bag. But like a Gucci bag, you will be treated like an object to be discarded eventually and given only trophy affection. With that said, if you're looking for a quick lay and little else, Japan might just be your playground. Any angry J-chicks reading this, be aware, again, I'm only generalising so don't send me your hate mail ok? I'm only stating what I have seen with my own eyes and know to be true.

  • Hostess Types - My personal favourite. Usually around 21-30, these are the lookers of the bunch. They're ex-kogyaru, or just trying to save up some money to go abroad or whatever, or they're plain dumb and can't find a decent job so they take up the challenging task of pouring whisky for middle-aged salarymen whilst feeding them complimentary bullshit for 5 hours a night.. Hostessing is not really a 'serious' job and doesn't require anything other than good-looks and maybe a little charm to do, but in my experience I've found girls with neither quality. Don't expect deep conversation and high IQ from these types, although then again you will occasionally find one or two as the job pays well and only involves casual flirting (in fact, if the customer does fancy a shag and so does the hostess, it's not on the cards) it's really not too bad a way to earn some quick 'n' easy green. I've got plenty of University friends who host during the summer to make a quick buck. Hell, I'd do it if I was a girl. Even some foreign ladies are out there getting in on the act, and believe me, some of them have faces like a puckered shithole and yet are still popular with Japanese guys, so it's nice to know there's a few more occupational choices in Japan for those of you who have tits and a nice ass. Usually hostesses look like very sexy business women, with their tight beige suits, intricate make-up and fancy hosiery. And they are business women in a manner of speaking. It's their business to get you pissed up and then boot you out on your ass before you get too lecherous. You've just got to love those compact little babes. And maybe if they like you a lot, you can see them after they finish work - you never know if you can really chat the chat you might get lucky. Don't expect to be home early if such a thing happens though, as most hostess's don't finish their shift till around 4, and don't tell her boss or it'll cost you a fortune to 'hire' her. There is actually such a thing as Male Hosting, but unless shooting your fat over old ladies is your bag, it's best left to the Italians in Japan. Have a look at my picture in the All About Me section if you want to see the kind of good-looks you'll need in order to be a male host in Japan...you want me don't you?
  • Miss So desu ne? - It's as though they've been trained from birth to serve men, love everything you love, submit to your every desire and agree with everything you say. Just like a good girl should do!! Just joking. Well, some Japanese girls are just like that, they have no balls. These are the 'subservient' Japanese people talk about, which gives Japanese girls the 'easy lay' reputation they get abroad. Some guys love this kind of girl, but I can't stomach it to be honest, I like a girl with a bit of charm in a woman, a few opinions, and a little bit of fire. Ask a Miss So Desu ne girl a question and her programmed reply will always be 'Oh, I don't mind, whatever you prefer.'. It ends up just pissing you off no end and is plain irritating. Don't ever lay one of these or they'll expect you to marry them. Avoid at all costs, unless you're one of those old Mail-Order-Bride blokes who are too ugly to get better (like me when I'm older).
  • Gaijin Wannabe - Well the last of the type is certainly bloody interesting. These are the Japanese who've most likely lived abroad for some time, or some kind of fascination with foreign culture and customs. They usually speak English with an accent just like the natives of the place where they studied, and try their best to mix with the foreigners more than their own kind.
    Because Japanese life can be quite constrictive and demanding, whilst trying to assimilate back into society after being out of Japan these types have a little trouble, so they try to let off the steam with some easier going foreigners. I think they feel like they can really be 'themselves' when they're around foreigners, let it all go, and so they rarely have any Japanese buddies, just English or Americans or whatever. I don't blame 'em. Mostly this type are the poor sods who've been in another country long enough to realise that they don't wanna go back to Japan, but had no choice because of the visa (I can relate). Girls of this type are ALWAYS dating foreigners, or if not that, then other Japanese who are a little weird or foreign-esque. If you ever meet a chick that wants to go out with you seriously and long-term, it's probably because she fits the gaijin wannabee mould. It's often this type of Japanese who turn out to be your closest friends in Japan, as usually they're very sincere and trustworthy, and won't treat you so much like a 'barbarian outsider' as some of the old farts who you'll encounter on the street out there do. These are the people that'll change Japanese society and take it out of the past (not sure if that's good or bad). Funniest example was a J-guy I met who spoke with a pure Irish accent, and we're talking pure pikey backwater Irish, just like any potato-eater 'Top o' da mornin' tew ya. Sa tell me 'ave yerever bin ta Oyerlaand?'. What a dude! People may say the Japanese are a race of robots but I have never met so many fantastically varied and unique souls as I did in the six months I spent in Japan.