It would be nice to say I've never screwed up, or at least, not badly anyway. But for never-say-die guys like me, screw ups come hand in hand. So far you people've only heard the good stuff that's happened to me, but that's only half the tale.

I'm gonna tell you a story that might just take away the rosy image of myself I've potrayed on this site, one which I've long harboured in the balance, thinking, does it really need to be said? Well, what the hell, if you wanna call me asshole after reading this (what you mean you don't already?), then you better sign up 'cos there's a long qeue.

Just before my original Japanese girlfriend was about to leave for good, I'd realised the relationship was going a little sour. Actually, it probably wasn't, but if you see someone day-in, day-out, you take it for granted, take my word for it. Relationships are like when you first played Street Fighter i.e. you played it to death when you first got it, then you played it a little less, and then you got a little sick of it. But if you only play it for a few hours a day, you'll never tire of it, cos it's a God given game. Perhaps that's a rather shoddy comparison, becase unlike a video game, women constantly change, and only get better with age. However, I was too stupid at the time to realise this, and actually thought I was getting bored of my old girlfriend, and I'd sort of decided that after she went, I was gonna play the field for a while - not looking for love and all that, but just to screw around and see what other birds had to offer. I just wanted to have a bit of fun - I wasn't the romantic guy I am now, so bite me..
On nearly the last day, my gf tells me that everybodies throwing a See-Ya! party and that I should come along. Although I didn't fancy it much, I'd figured it was a ticket to some free booze, and I never say no to that as I'm practically a whino anyhow.
We turned up and immediately as I walked through the door my attention was distract to a 5ft 10 beauty that I'd never seen before, dressed all in a tight black lycra material that hugged every voluptous curve of her body. In the dimly-lit pub, she looked so sexy I could hardly take my eyes off of her, and truly had to act well not to let my then gf realise that I had just got one of the largest crushes on her friend that I'd ever had. Man, and when I shook her hand, it was so delicate and soft, I couldn't help myself but breath harder as my heart-rate sped up. Everybody proceeded to sit down, and the girl (which I'll call Kumiko) sat directly opposite.
No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't stop myself from ignoring everybody else (even the gf) and chatting to Kumiko. She was like a magnet, and to make matters worse, she seemed every bit as keen about me as I was for her - talk about obvious flirtation - well, you know women, they won't spit on you until you've got a gf, and then when you do get one all of a sudden it's like somebody told them you had a 10" package in your underpants and a Lamborghini Diablo. But anyway, this girl was more than just looks, I mean, not only was this girl beautiful, and I mean really beautiful but I also detected a complex intelligent side to her that hadn't been obvious from the start. Something mysterious, something exotic, something deep and intriguing. This girl was rare and I knew it. Most guys I know'll say about a girl 'Oh man, I know a girl that's so damn fine you won't believe it!' and then you'll meet that chick, and she'll be like, alright, not bad and that, you know, alright looking, but really not as fine as they'd hyped her up to me, but Kumiko, damn, she was so sweet she should've had her own lollipop flavour named after her.
I was slightly pissed at having to leave fairly early that night, and didn't feel much like being with my gf, so I slept in the bathroom under the excuse that I was just too hot to sleep in the bed that night, but secretly I was laying down in the dark with a fag, watching the smoke patterns in the air twirl, and recalling every seductive word that came out of Kumiko's mouth. For the first time in nearly two months I felt excited. The kind of bowel-churning feeling that you get when you're a kid and you're just about to do something risky like steal penny-sweets with your friends from the candy-store. Shit yeah I felt guilty, you know, I hadn't even done anything but I still felt like a total twat for thinking about anyone but my lovely gf sleeping in the next room. In retrospect perhaps I guess that I was immature and inexperienced at the time, and my conscience was yelling at me, screaming 'Evil, your bird's just about to leave, and you're already planning out your next lay? wassup with that? What kind of man does that?'. It certainly caused me to ponder for a while. What is love anyway? Was my gf really not good enough for me? and was that the reason why I liked this other girl? and if so, what was to stop me from the same thing happening if I hooked up with this Kumiko, and she happened to have an even finer friend? when does it stop?
I had a strange dream that night, it was of myself talking to myself on a river bank. We were fishing, and like a brother I/he was saying to me: 'Dude..you know you're gonna go for it as soon as your gf goes home..come on, you were a cherry two years ago, and now you've got two years of heavy industrial S.E.X experience to put on your CV. You think you're some kind of a stud, and be it bullshit or not, it's time now to put theory into practice. Are you seriously tellin' me you ain't never gonna hit it with any other chicks?..bro, I know you..I was there when you were 15, tugging off in ma's bathroom. You were a kinky f*cker always talking about sex then, and you still are now. Jesus, if someone ever filmed the shit you got up too in there, I dunno....Anyway, my point is, I know you're up for it....and you know Kumiko's up for it too, don't you?...Not to mention the other girls who I know'd like to book themselves in for an EvilKris Swedish Meat Massage. Yeah, they've been looking -- you just ain't noticed. But this dude here, he misses none of that shit. Pleeese, get over this monogamy crap..you've got time to grow, it's not your fault you're immature..you're just a kid. You think James Bond would be such a charming bastard if he learnt everything he did from just one woman..coome on, live a little.'

Well, the gf was going, so I was gonna jump ship and go for it. I came to realisation that I was just gonna have to do it, I was going to have to join...the Dark Side. Well, it is nice to be naughty occasionally. The Force was just not strong enough in this one, sorry to say. It was going to be a learning experience, that was for sure.

Well, it was approximately 3 days after my gf had left when I managed to catch Kumiko one night in the same pub, and co-ersed her into coming to the park with me. We talked for ages, about everything. Her face was close to mine as she spoke, and I felt turned on like never before. Man, if the sexiest turn-on on the planet Earth is not a foreign woman speaking in broken English, then I don't know what is. Especially when they're mysterious, black magic ladies of your dreams. Something about this girl blew my mind. Everything she said or did seemed attractive, she had that inexplicable heavenliness that 98% of girls seem to lack. I still think about her often to this day, despite the fact that she's thousands of miles away, and I haven't seen that starlight smile of hers in years.
But alas, she broke the news to me one day. She had..a boyfriend. And he was a gaijin (don't you just hate that?). God knows why I hadn't guessed that she would have one, I mean, I just told you how hot she was. She told me who it was, which made matters worse as I knew the guy, and knew him to be one of the local EF teachers who shagged his students as they came and went, without any care in the world for them. But to make matters even more worse, he wasn't really such an asshole, and actually a bit like me, an average Joe who just simply couldn't keep his dick in his trousers. Damn, why couldn't he have been a loser?..I wanted to hate the guy. I still didn't care though, as Kumiko was too fine for me not to try and get, and I'd just have to risk the consequences. The good news was that according to Kumiko, things between her and her boyfriend hadn't been all too hot for the last month. I don't think he was even into Asian women that much, but a pretty girl is a pretty girl, and she came along at the right time. Now he was getting oriental hang-overs that were associated with going out with a Japanese female (Kitty-Chan, 'Jouzu desu ne', and 'Benkyo shinakereba narinai' and the rest), and he wanted out. I saw my light at the end of a bleak tunnel, and played the 'supportive-friend' card. Kumiko was far too smart to fall for that one though, and I ended up going home alone on those nights. Sitting in the dark and ruminating, I was inspired to write her a letter, saying how much I liked her, and how I felt about her. She read it and kept in touch, and I really started to feel that things were getting somewhere one night when I called her and she said yes to coming to my place. I totally believed that I'd be getting jiggy with it that night. But like a New Kids on the Block reunion, it was never meant to be, and would only bring tragedy and sadness.
9:30 and 3 Martinis later and she was laying on the bed smoking a cigarette, and we began talking about her life. She told me that she always had trouble making friends, and, although she tried to fit in, she could never assimilate into Japanese society like others, and always felt like an outsider. Boy did I ever know that feeling. I was Billy-No-Friends until I was 17, and had had my fair share of being the class punching-bag during my teens. As she talked about how she'd been used in the past by guys who didn't care about her, she began to cry. Although my intentions had been pretty much just to hit that punani that night, my heart flew out of the window, and I really started to think:
"My God, what am I doing? This girl isn't of the one-night stand variety, she's something different from the rest. Something special."
I remember a passage from On Her Majesty's Secret Service once, when Bond decided to marry Tracy Draco, and he said to himself 'Damn it, why not marry the girl? I'll never find another one like her anyway..'
Well, something like that occured to me, and in a matter of seconds I was no longer the predator, and I actually wanted to romance the girl, even to commit myself to loving her. I knew that it'd only been a short while since my last girlfriend had left, but I couldn't help the way I felt at the times when I looked at Kumiko, with those beautiful tears running down her face. That kind of instant chemistry that you only get with certain people, and that only happens once, maybe twice in your life. As I held her hand, she seemed to relax for a minute. I was preparing myself to kiss her.

Then she told me she had to go.

Bright sparks went flashing through my head, I can't explain properly what happened to my mind in the next 5 minutes, but somehow, the idea of letting her go seemed impossible. I was shocked to fuck is all I can say. Here, she was, the girl I'd longed for all my life, who I'd finally found, and she was going to leave..what?.. to go back to her boyfriend?? so that he could screw her every night, only to pick up her best-friend the day she left. Someone who was another monkey for the system, who had no dreams, who was nothing but a dick on a lump of time-wasting, space-taking piece of shit...Probably he was an okay guy, but that was just how I felt at the time.

Dear Abbie would have said exactly this in this situation:

'Kristian, you've just come from a heavy relationship, and you honestly believe that you've fallen in love with a girl that, well, you've just met. You're aware that she has a boyfriend who she claims she's loves, and, despite what premonitions you have about the future of their relationship and the fact that you honestly feel you can fulfil all of her romantic idealisms, I would have to say that the only thing you can do right now, is just be in the picture, without giving her any ultimatums, or pressurising her into early decision making. She's a grown women Kristian, who may soon realise that what you offer could be just what she's seeking after all. Try not to be too obseqious, and a little subtle persistance may do wonders. Good Luck.

Yeah but screw Dear Abbie. Instead I went loco. Something snapped in me and in a near desperate panic I begged Kumiko to stay, shouting that she was just being used, and that I could offer her so much more. I told her about how I felt she was the most perfect girl I'd ever met in my life, and if she walked out the door.if, if, she walked out that f*cking door, I just wouldn't know what I'd do. Scary shit, like as in Play Misty for Me - even my hands were shaking as I said it - God knows how she must've been scared when I did it, but eventually I calmed down enough for her to walk past and get out. I still don't know what the hell cause me to snap like that. I suppose it was just the culmination of the frustration associated with realising that my life was about to drastically change, that the girlfriend I loved had left me and was probably never coming back, and that I was going to become one of the lonely people again, like in that Steve Martin movie. I was being thrown head-first back into that desperate world of clubbing and pubbing, watching my friends getting girlfriends and telling me how damn happy they were, and bitter, almost forgotten rejection, nights of remorse, of jealousy and everything that comes with re-entering the dating game. And every time time I would see a white male in love with an Oriental female I would think of me and my ex, and how it all fell to shit and there was no way I could repair the loss in my heart from her absence. We would be apart.
It took me three hours to fully realise what I'd done to Kumiko. All I could think about was how I could make it up to her..how I could explain my reasoning behind turning into a nut-bar. I was a wide-eyed innocent boy who didn't know a lot about life and love, and was just starting to learn and mature. How could I persuade Kumiko that I was sane? She had already voted with her feet that night, but somehow I couldn't stand the idea of her believing I was mental. I knew that she liked me before that, and a million thoughts ran through my mind 'Why didn't I give her more time? Why couldn't I just control myself? Why didn't I give myself more time?'.
Sure, I could've left it all alone, and that would've been fine, maybe she would've told all her friends I was a nutter, and that would've been that, a few months of eyes-to-the-floor every time they walked by until they returned to Japan, and that would've been it. But I was still crazy for Kumiko inside, and I had some misguided notion that I could still makes thing work out, and I could still end up with her. I recalled all the facts about herself that she told me in order to bump into her at some point, and I remembered that Kumiko went down to the gym on certain days. So that was my ticket, I just made sure I went on those days and tried different hours until I found out which time she went. It was only a couple of days until I 'accidentally' bumped into her. Of course, she wasn't interested - surprise surprise -, and she just wouldn't let me hold a conversation with her long enough to try to tell her about how terribly sorry I was about the situation that night.

Well, 3 or 4 months passed, and I'd finally begun to chill. Of course, I did see Kumiko around, and my heart always jumped when she was in the same room, but I'd decided to myself to give her some space after trying to talk to her that first couple of hundred times. I'd even met a few other girls, including Tokyo Miki, who I got on well with, and talked to her about Kumiko a lot. Tokyo Miki always said that I should just be Mr.Cool, and don't talk to Kumiko all nervous and shit, but just pretend like I was just a guy who was busy but had a few spare minutes to talk. And besides, as Miki said - usually in the middle of a sensual massage - I wouldn't get sexually frustrated, because Miki was always there to 'ease-the-pain' as she said in cute, broken English. I'll always miss the easy going attitude of Miki.

So, time went by, and things with Kumiko did get a little better. She seemed a little more relaxed around me, although she still avoided me most times. It was obvious I could never even dare ask her out again. Me going to Japan was just about to happen, and I sadly came to the conclusion that things were never going to work out with Kumiko before that. I decided I would just write to her from Japan, and pray that she would change before I came back. Actually, before I went to Japan, I'd nearly completely mellowed - I didn't feel desperate for her love anymore, and I could accept the fact that my gf probably wasn't going to want to continue our relationship despite the fact that I was going to meet her soon. But still, I felt kind of nuts about Kumiko..every time I saw her..every time I even thought about her..I knew that it was definitely not a 'spur of the moment' thing with Kumiko. I deeply cared for her, despite that she'd probably of rather have shat on me than talked to me at that time.
I was completely screwed up. And how could I make her realise that I was a changed man?
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about the time when I was in the gym and nearly got into a scrap with her boyfriend, didn't I? Yep, there I was getting changed after a heavy session, when the door opens and I hear;
'Been writing some letters have you?..Kris!'
I turned around half-shitting myself - then I saw him and remembered that he was still as laughably skinny and as feeble as before (what did she see in him?)..I dunno, I knew I was in the wrong, I was an asshole, and basically, I should've backed off from the whole situation, said my apologies to the guy and quite rightfully too. But I was hyped up from my hourly work-out, and didn't feel like grovelling to anybody, especially not the guy in between me and the love of my life. Before I went to Japan, I was a fairly muscular guy, and due to a couple of years of Judo and daily exercise I was like a 5ft 9 mini-tank (you wouldn't guess it now though...)..I could tell by the look on the guys face he wasn't gonna start any trouble with me looking the way I did back then. And the fact that he was bottling it showed me that he obviously didn't care for her that much, as had I been in his situation Id've ripped the guy trying to pull his girlfriends head off by then.
However, he was pretty innocent in the whole thing. I mean, come on, what was the difference between him and me really?? in the past few months I'd been doing exactly what he was doing with Kumiko, and so I had no grounds to get angry at him despite what a cock-sucker I thought he was. I wasn't gonna apologise for what I'd done , but I wasn't going to start a fight over a girl when I was a bad-guy. Samurai law, dude. Bad guy always loses. I had a hard time trying to cover my smile at his pathetic attempts to threaten me, which seemed more like a teacher having a go at his students than a man defending the girl he's supposed to care for. Anyway, he soon left, and the strange thing was that I saw Kumiko a couple of days later and she actually tried to talk to me about things, but suddenly her friends came along and it was obvious she had kept her boyfriend secret from them, so she just left. What the hell was that chicks story?
So that was that, I went to Japan, after numerous attempts of trying to talk to Kumiko, and being rejected. I then proceeded to have the best six months of my life, throughout which I often thought of Kumiko. It was often on the lonely nights when I'd be in the office with no-one else around after having taught all day that I'd sit in front of the internet and tell her all about her wonderful country and how much I wished she was there with me, how I'd be so proud if she was my girl, and..well, you know how it goes. She did write back even wrote back and told me about her past. It seemed the reason for her coming to England was partly due to her desire to better herself and get some skills - and partly due to an old yakuza boyfriend who said he was mad about her (nice to know it wasn't just me then). That was why she was a little worried about going back to Japan, but she thought it would be okay. Sure struck me as a novel idea for a book. (That's a hint to the plot of the YD book by the way).
She told me about her family and friends, and I thought we were doing okay, getting along well. So one day she said that she wouldn't mind meeting up when I came back to the UK. She was leaving to go back to Japan soon after I came back, but she had a few days in which we could hook up. I nearly jumped for joy! It really was the only thing that made me even slightly excited to the prospect of going home, screw fish and chips, screw cool castles and the best chocolate in the world. To see Kumiko again, with her lovely smile, would be the moment I'd treasure. Plus I think she'd realised what a prick the boyfriend was by then and had dumped him, so she was single again.
Soon before I went back, I'd met May, who was nice, but nothing really, compared with Kumiko. No, Kumiko was deep, whereas May just thought she was deep. Nothing worse than somebody trying to mindf*ck you when they just don't have the intelligence to do so - it just makes them look stupid. I guess if anything, May was the rebound from everything not working out with Kumiko.
So, when I got back to Hastings, the only thing I could think about was seeing Kumiko, yet she hadn't left any number or anything. I didn't know how to get in touch with her. I looked everywhere, and talked to all the people I knew who knew her about where she'd be, but nobody knew.
Then one day, as I was walking along the the entrance of the town, I saw a European girl with a tall Asian friend. It was Kumiko!!.. I ran over to her, eager to tell her about everything. Damn, this was it!! I was ready this time - I was normal, I was going to prove that I genuinely cared for her. I was going to tell her about everything that happened to me in Japan, and listen to all her stories and enjoy every minute of it. I was going to reach over and hold her hand over the table, and look her deeply in the eyes, and prove that I really had cared for her all along, and that my strangeness had been simply a phase. And then one day soon I'd hold her in my arms and hold her so tight, and she'd feel protected and I'd tell her I loved her. When she had to go back to Japan, we'd keep in touch, and I'd make every effort to see her, because I knew she was the one!! I'd never been so ready to commit in all my life!
I was expected her to smile, but when she saw me, she hardly said anything..she just pretended as though she barely knew me...and her friend was laughing as though she'd been told all about what happened between me and Kumiko, and now found it humourous that I had the audacity to still try to get with Kumiko after all that had happened. It was like when you're in a night-club and you spot a babe that you've wanted to talk to all night, and she'd been giving you all the signals, and you were so damn sure that she liked you that you finally scrape up the courage to go and talk to her, only to be shot down as though you were a piece of shit. That's certainly what I felt like after meeting up with Kumiko then. Damn, she'd bragged all about how I'd made such an effort to get with her, and I'd heard a few weeks later that she'd gotten off with a friend of mine whilst I was in Japan..shit...Kumiko was...a bitch and I had a sore stomach because my friend had f*cked me up the arse so hard. ????
I couldn't believe it..where was the justice in all that? all I wanted was a second chance, it wasn't much to ask was it? Just a chance to sit down in a public place, have a coffee, and get to know each-other. Just to give her a taste.
I was a lot stronger by then luckily, a lot more confident, and a lot more aware of my own sexual attractiveness. I guess I decided I just couldn't keep torturing myself about the pain Kumiko had caused me with that evil look as I had approached her. The things she'd done had proved that she just wasn't the girl I thought she was. If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be, and that was that. She was beautiful, intelligent, sexy, and everything I wanted in a woman. But I guess she can't have been that perfect if she was so unforgiving. I promised myself I wouldn't be such a shit to anybody as she was to me...but that even that nice quality back-fired on me and that's probably why I was the victim of the worst case of stalking I've ever heard of a year later. She was cute though, my stalker..
Occasionally I write to Kumiko, and she does tell me about her time in Japan, pottering around trying to fulfill her ambitions and all that, but when she writes back it's always the same sort of thing. "Someone loves me but I don't love them". The sad words of a lonely person. I still wouldn't mind being her guy, but at the end of the day, I'm all over that. Bitter as hell though. But hey! I know I'M a good-looking guy...and, YOU'RE a good-looking guy...Hell, we're all 13,000 good-looking guy's, so why let a thing getting close to being with the best-looking girl in all your life worry you? oh maaaan...sob

Well, the moral of this story is..ladies, if a guy goes nuts over you, it's not always a bad thing, and, well, if he seems okay, why not give him another shot? It might just lead to things.

You never know.

Okay, I'll admit, I was screwing around a hell of a lot in Japan, which gaijin doesn't?..I didn't know how to fix things with Kumiko..as far as she was concerned I was never to be forgiven. Personally I think she was a bit too harsh about the whole thing. And I'll never understand women as long as I live. Oh well, chalk it all up.

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. "
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
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