May in London...(05/23/00)


Read on...IF YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THE TEARS!

So, whilst I was selling my soul to Portsmouth University every day, I was also trying to track down May. Lucky for me, I've got a good memory for certain things, and I'd remembered the name of the universtity she said she was coming back to England in order to study at. The Acme Roger Rabbit University of London (didn't think I was gonna tell you did ya?). I didn't have a clue which Halls of Residence she was going to be living in or anything, so I phoned the university up, explaining that I was trying to find this girl, blah blah, we knew each-other in Japan but I lost her address, blah blah blah, I can't get her address from any other source, any conniving crap to get through, but despite my good acting skills and the pity I got from the Uni secretary, it was all to no avail, they said they didn't have any records of her. In hindsight I reckon the secretary just hadn't entered her name correctly in the database, so it just didn't come up on the screen (her real name isn't quite so easy as May). They told me they could give me the numbers of the halls, but I'd need an extension number to her room, but it wouldn't be available to the general public.
I phoned up some of the halls and tried to sweet talk em, saying that she was my friend since birth or some crap, but nothing worked on the heartless bastards. I really was screwed, she hadn't replied to my e-mails, or I'd typed in the wrong address, and I didn't know how else to find her. I didn't have any options left..no one knew her..no one knew her in England!. But there was the husband...wasn't there?. He'd have her address in London, as he was the one paying most of the bills..and I had his address. May had said that they were more friends than a proper couple, and that he knew that she was playing around and had done ever since they first got married. I was still a little cautious, shit, I wasn't just gonna write to him saying "Hey dude! Guess what?! I've been slamming your wife behind your back aaaannd, since I wanna continue doing so, you wouldn't mind forwarding her new address in London to me would ya? there's a good boy" - No, I had to be just a little more subtle than that, and just pray that she was telling me the truth about the marriage being on the rocks, or I was gonna come outta this whole rocky situation an even bigger asshole. So what I did was I got Rick to write a formal letter, saying I was in fact a female gaijin friend that had met May in Sapporo during the summer, and had unfortunately due to unforseen circumstances lost her address, and was wondering if you, her husband, would mind giving me her new details, etc, etc. Put it in the envelope, licked the stamp, stuck it on, and walked to the postbox. When I was just about to post the letter, my conscience spoke: The little angel babe on my shoulder was saying:

"Don't do it Kris, you said so yourself she was too cruel, she'd probably using you. Find real love, it's out there, fulfillment, joy, harmony.. don't post that letter!!"
...But the little devil dude..that guy on the other shoulder was like:

'Naaaah shit man, don't listen to that bitch. You know can change May, she's a fox, she's in another country with another language to cope with, and dude!- she's been here for 3 months.. without having any man!! Shit, she's probably foaming at the mouth and scraping the walls for some by now! She's like some wounded puppy that needs a shot to put her out of her misery!! Save the emotional bullshit for those guys who can't get laid..Send the letter will ya!"

Oh man, little devil dude was right..I had to admit it..posted..BANG..gone. No going back now, I thought with a sly grin.
After that I was paranoid that some mad Japanese businessman was gonna come knocking on my door in England with his katana screaming 'BAAAAANZAAAAAAI!!' before cutting me to shreds with his katana, as punishment for screwing the wife. But it never happened.

So, weeks pass. By this time I was seriously wondering if I should of got a fake degree or not, it had turned out that Uni was a real back-pedal from what I what I'd expected. Suddenly I was surrounded by guys who'd never been out of England, and had only just left their parents places. All they ever talked about was 'Oy oy, piss up tonight lads! Seen some laaaavely skanks out today'... I had a hard time finding people I had anything in common with at all. Nobody was into Japan in the least - I found there was no point in even mentioning I'd been there. Mention I like Asian women and everybody else is like 'What kinda sick, can't-get-a-white-girl freak are you anyway?' and looking at me like I was mental..Nobody wanted to hear it. (que slowly building up crescendo echo) So I started this diiirty little page. And through it I've met quite a nice little community of diiirty little Asian-babe lovers. Furtively coming out from the darkness, from the shadows..you see, we're out there...festering away...assimilated into the workforce, keeping our enemies close to ourselves..you can recognise us only by the searching for the mark of the beast, the 3 A's of the sect, hidden on our mortal flesh..we're out there..waiting..See the little man working behind the bank checkout you go to every so often to pay the bills? Chances are that he has got a little Asian female tucked in away at home, as he is truly one of the clan..the postman..the sheriff..the hillbilly..all it takes is a knowing nod, and a brief smile to recognise another of your brothers, for they are everywhere, they are spreading over the planet, infesting Asian women with our DEMON SEED...AHA AHA AHA HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! (reverberating laugh that echoes into the darkness).

Jeeeest kidding! No that's just me actually, aahahah, but yeah, I kinda like Asian babes the best, well some guys prefer blondes don't they? Simple as that really..I don't try and analyse the shit and find a reason why, it's just natures way of mixing it up I guess.

Anyway, back to the story. I was miserable in England, and missed all my real friends in Japan, those guys I'd met who were older and wiser. We'd sit around a camp-fire like a bunch of bums round a barrel , and these guys - who'd been everywhere would be like, telling stories of their adventures around the world. It was the little details I clung onto, fascinating shit that makes you laugh, like:- how in Laos the currency value is, like, so screwed up that the people over there have to carry suitcases full of currency notes around with them if they wanna go to a restaurant. Buy a milkshake from MacDonalds takes a full wallet of paper, but in actual fact would total only a meagre 2.50 in the UK. And other stuff like how in Thailand there really are places like in that one in The Beach, small paradises with tiny populations, where a tenner would go for a weeks rent and food, and there are groups of foreigners who live there and never leave..about where to go to find the cheapest whores in Amsterdam...I dunno, just stupid, insignificant international things, that made me laugh when I reminisced about them in bed at night. I really missed talking to those kinds of people. Other travellers, people of the same design.

So one day I was contemplating all of that and the other philosophies of life, when a letter came in the post. It was May's handwriting on the front!!. I opened it and it read:

"Dear Kris, How are you? Thank you for your trouble, I recieved the letter you sent to my husband in Japan.. I can tell you I've been depressed from my studies, and lonely..I've cried many times, but your letter was managed to remove those sadnesses. Please come and see me sometime, stay with me overnight..May"

She had left the address, phone number, everything at the bottom! I was bloody happy that I'd tracked her down, and immediately I picked up the phone and dialed through to her.

"MAY!!MAY!! It's me Kris!"
"HI KRIS!! So you found me then!" she was laughing happily.
"Yeah I tracked you down didn't I babe?!!"
Well, we talked for a while, about old times, and about our lives in England. She said that she was busy right now, but I could go up and see her in a couple of weeks. She seemed pretty happy that I'd called her. I was ecstatic.
So while I was getting ready to see her, I spent the next couple of weeks in anxiety, until finally I went up to London to see her. She looked fine, a little thinner, but more beautiful than I remembered. I hugged her and she showed me her room. Again we talked about the fun we got up to in Sapporo, and pretty soon we were out getting a few drinks. She even had a friend who was from Sapporo, so we could all laugh about things we had in common there. Oh yeah it was aaaall good.
So me and May were in here room getting loaded on some cheap Sainsbury's wine. She was easy to talk to at first, but the more loaded she got, the more she kept going on about other guys. I didn't know if she was bullshitting with me or not, but it truly seemed the tables were turned. What I mean is, in Japan I guess I'd been the exotic attractive one, but here in England she was the novelty, not just for guys who were AAA, but for any guy who can appreciate a beautiful woman. All she seemed to do was brag about how many guys she could get if she wanted to, and how she was getting chatted up left right and center. I guess it was revenge for myself being so popular in Japan, I mean, I hadn't bragged about that fact at all - I didn't like to girls about other girls, cos it's just not my bag, man. Despite that, May and I had actually bumped into a couple of my ex-humps walking around in Sapporo, and it was pretty obvious to May that I'd been with those girls, judging by their reaction to seeing me. At the time I didn't think she'd been jealous, stupidly, but I guess she had been , and now she was trying to piss me off.
I was thinking in my head "Still playing the same game eh May?..Don't try and pull this envy crap on me, you might think you're God's gift to men, but I can spot a few wrinkles and that hairs getting a little wirey.." Of course, I had to keep that to myself, or else face being evicted from her place. And London isn't the safest place in the world to be wandering the streets at 2 am, unless you enjoy being buggered by tramps that is. Besides, I figured it might have been the booze talking on her part.
As I looked at her while she continued bragging, all I saw was a woman that inside was really an insecure little girl. The big difference between her and I was that, whilst I was a playboy piece of shit in Japan, I was cool with it, and realised that making others jealous would've just been pointless and childish. I didn't want to be some parasite that feeds off the money and rich comments of the opposite sex. I had dreams. Christ knows what May wanted to do with her life. Just like as in Good Will Hunting, she would act the secure, confident and adult women until you asked her that one simple question "What do you want to be?"..because she just didn't have a clue.
May mellowed out eventually. She asked about if I'd been with any girls since I came back to England. I lied and said I hadn't. Then she said, as before, "So, you've only come up to London to screw me then?"...I sighed. Yeah, you definitely only remember the good things about someone when you've been apart for a while, that's a fact.

Anyway I avoided the question, and we still got on well. As the night grew, and the wine bottle became empty we ended up naked on the bed aaaaaaand - well, if I divulged further this site would need an X-rating, and I wouldn't be much of a gentleman if I said that I shagged her.

So that was that, I went back and forth to London to see her time and time again over the next few months. I learnt a few new things about her too. One day I'd asked her about why she was so well-off financially. She told me about a guy she'd met at the office she used to work at, an elderly Japanese guy who was looking for a wife. Somehow, like me, he could see through May, to her innocent part, and since he was a millionaire he asked her what she wanted to make her happy. She told him jokingly she'd wanted to study abroad and for longer in Japan, and so he'd started to put large deposits of bucks into her account every month for her to do so. He'd also told her that he wanted her to be his wife one day, but more importantly, he just wanted her to be happy with her life. And this was his gift to her.
I was quite taken aback by the coolness of this old guy, although I did make a joke about the old man and her in the sack together , how she'd have to pay-back what cash he'd given her. But she laughed and said that he was beyond that kind of thing and really just wanted a women around the house to keep him company, a Japanese Hugh Heffner if you will. So I said she should go for it really, if that was all that she wanted in life, to be rich, vacuous but probably not satisfied, she should lead that kind of life.

As for her now husband, it seemed that she hardly ever talked to him. And in fact she'd said I was lucky that he sent me the letter, as it had been written in a kind of man's language and not as if it was coming from a female like I'd intended it to be. RICK YOU SILLY SOD!!

Later on I met some of her friends, and they invited us out to go to some pub that was open till the morning, and even though it was already past midnight and I was already loaded, we decided to go. In fact her friend had interrupted a bit of foreplay me and May had got up to, which pissed me off no end, but I was quite glad to get out of the room, as May, and most Asians as you find out, tend to heat their rooms up to boiling point or so it seemed, and it was wearing me out, though I think May enjoyed watching me strip down to my boxers and thus refused to turn the heating off.
Before we left I met a friend, Hiro, of one of the other Japanese girls living in the same block of the halls. He was a funny Japanese guy who'd lived in New York before and obviously for far too long judging by the spot-on Bronx accent he'd acquired. We talked for a while and he said he'd come along to the bar, and hang out with us.
So there we were, like the group from Cheers, and Hiro's making me piss myself with laughter at the dirty Japanese slang he's teaching me, which had May rolling her eye's up to in displeasure, but she found some of it funny in the end. Hiro was chatting up some Italian/Black babe that had come with us, and May and I were just relaxing, laying back on some make-shift couch in the upper levels of the bar. It was just so good, like old times, with her cradled in my arms. And the more I saw her, the more I felt like I really missed her 'real' self, and I knew that I had to try to get it back out of her. I couldn't help but comment;

"May, you are perfect, aren't you?"

She gave me a warm smile..shit my heart nearly flew out of my chest. As the night grew on we got tired and decided to go back to her pad. Hiro was still making me chuckle, and then he started to talk about May;

'So, hey man, when she's speaks in Japanese, it's like a, well, I can't tell the difference. She has some kind of boyfriends? I mean you think she can be like, a one night girl? She seems that way..She's not with you is she?'

I said that she wasn't really, I mean, it was true I wasn't May's boyfriend, and she'd probably be pissed if I went around telling people she was that, so I told Hiro that, if he could get it, then he should go for it. He didn't seem much of a player anyhow, and I didn't think he'd make a move on her. I was unsure what I'd do even if he did, as my feelings for May were definitely 50%-50% I-don't-own-her stage. I didn't see her as my personal property, and couldn't hold her back from being with whoever. Yet.
When we got back to her place, she'd put on some music and they were all dancing drunkenly in her room, which I laughed at at first, but then got so drunk I began to join in. One drunken Indian babe started dancing next to me, and then part her arms around me while May watched. I had to admit I enjoyed the fact that May looked a little jealous watching me bump and grind with the girl, but then she got me right back by dancing sexily with Hiro.
I couldn't help but glance regularily at them both, and I realised I was getting jealous. All of a sudden it caught up with me and I was half-seriously like "Get your hands of my girl man!" to Hiro, who did so immediately. I smiled straight afterwards to counter the angry reaction, but he'd read the signals and didn't bother her again for the rest of the night. I said sorry to him alone later, and he said laughing; "Hey guy, if you liked the girl you could have said that before, it doesn't matter man, hahah"
I shrugged and smiled, and told him that, yeah I liked her, but I wasn't 100%, and he understood;
"Yeah, she's this kind of girl it seems, I can tell already, like the fire, so be careful. Maybe she is just not for a girlfriend, man."
That made me think. But I grabbed May and soon we were swirling around the room to a slow song, and Hiro had paired up with another girl. For the first time I really felt comfortable with May, and as the music played and I smelled her perfume as we spun around and around - it was like a scene from the movies, were the crowd dissapears, and it was just me and her, nothing else, oblivious to the rest of the world. Somehow in that moment, I realised how much May really meant to me, even though she wasn't right for me. God never told us we can choose not to fall in love with somebody.

Anyway, soon the little souiree (how do you spell that?) was over and it was just me and May and this shagadellic little Indian chick who was dancing even after I'd stopped the music. Suddenly the Indian fell to the ground, obviously totally loaded, and May looked anxiously on while I made sure the girl was okay. Once she realised the chick was cool, May laid back onto the bed, and I picked up the boozed up Indian carefully and carried her to her room. When I came back, May was waiting on the bed for me, looking at me lustfully. But that night I'd felt like I couldn't just be my casual self. Things with May had gone on for too long. I just didn't want to be 'one of the many' guys she'd been with, I knew that I was special to her, she'd even told me. I went to the toilet, and looked thoughtfully at my reflection in the mirror. I'd guessed it was crunch time.

When I came back she was asleep.

As I laid beside her I looked towards her face, wondering if I really knew this person. Not knowing. I saw her without the cruelty, without the heartlessness..just a beautiful innocent face. Not caring. I spoke softly:

"Do you know how much I truly love you May?..."

Not really expecting an answer, I soon fell asleep next to her, but her arms were around me as I drifted off into the blackness, too tired to move anymore.

Then came the next morning, and May told me she wanted me. But there was just no way I could do it. After years of sex-without-question, I just couldn't do it this time. I know it sounds like it's a corny feel-good ending to an American rites-de-passage movie, but it was that kind of situation. I had finally realised that deep down May couldn't love me, couldn't love anyone. Sure, She cared for me. But she couldn't express anything even remotely comparable to love, real love..Some people are just like that, they don't possess that emotion. Perhaps she was worn down by some shitty past. Sex was as far as it went between us. And I just couldn't be the kind of guy who would just screw her and leave her like she wanted me to be. I really wanted her to feel something special towards me. God-damn it, I was ready to commit to this girl who honestly meant a great deal to me. I was pretty sure that, actually, she hadn't been seeing other guys at all, probably just using rich assholes to buy her stuff, and then dumping them. Here, now, I didn't feel like making it with her. It's true what they say in the books about sex being 90% mental and 10% physical. I don't know, it was a new experience for me not being able to make out on demand. I felt ackward, but soon relaxed down beside her, uncaring. I'd been with a variety of 'play-girls' but May, well, she was the one that finally got me. She'd done the impossible and made me think about sex being much more than just a thing that two bored people do to pass the time. For the first time in my life, I couldn't get a boner because a girl didn't love me. She was pissed to say the least at my actions.

"Why can't you just do it to me?!" she said irritatedly.

"Because I'm tired of this, the sex just isn't important to me as it is to you. Your feelings for me are. If you don't love me by now, then you never will. Don't get stressed, there are plenty of guys who will use you like shit, so you can find somebody else if that's what you need. You should marry that older man if it's money that just makes you happy, because I can't make you happy May, I'm just f*cking Kris okay?! I'm just a f*cking guy who's sick of this mind-game shit!! I've got a heart!! "
For a minute there I thought that she was going to say something, I prayed that she would but she didn't. So, slowly got dressed and packed my things. As I pulled the bag over my shoulders I gave her one last long look, amd then left without saying anything. On the train home I felt so depressed, I didn't know if I'd done the correct thing or not. But if I didn't mean anything to her then she wouldn't call me again. But I couldn't contact her first. The next move was hers alright, and, although panic spread through me to think that I would never see her again, I went back to my life. The whole thing seemed like a twisted game that perhaps I'd won, but I didn't feel victorious. I didn't want it to be like that..lost in a world of superficiality, where looks and money and making others want to be you was everything that powered a person...christ it could've been so easy if May would've just stopped making everything seem like a means to an end. At the end of the day who gives a shit what job you end up doing? you meet someone, you fall in love, who knows? they could be a bloody toilet cleaner, but as long as they seem right then so what? It's two people against the system, against the world. The Beatles couldn't have said it better..Money Can't Buy You Love..That's the way I think, and I wished that she'd thought like that too. Somehow, I found it hard to imagine that I might never see my beautiful China girl again. That's what she was to me, not May the superior, highly intelligent, apt women, just May, my little China Girl. Gone for good.

Although I spoke to May through a few e-mails I eventually broke the whole thing off, when I realised she was never going to change.

Oh I've just got to tell this joke I heard the other day: So there's an elderly couple who go to the pub where they first met, and they start talking all romantic to each-other. The blokes like:
"I remember, we met 50 years ago in here, and then we went to that fence around the corner and had our first shag against it didn't we?..do you fancy doing it again for old time's sake love?"
Wifey's like "Oh you're so romantic Henry, okay then!!"
So off they hop, and this guy who was listening on the other table thinks:
"Bloody hell! Can't miss out watching two old duffer's at it!!"
And follow's them out 5 minutes later to see them holding onto to the fence whilst they go at it like a couple of teenagers. He's amazed at how much energy they've got, and 40 minutes later they fall to the floor exhausted. The bloke walks back into the pub shaking his head in amazement, and a little while later they come back in to get a drink. He steps up to the old man and says:
"Excuse me, don't mean to be rude or anything, but bloody hell have you got some energy for an old geezer.. Would you mind telling me your secret, so that I can be like that when I'm old??"
The old guy replies:
"It's no secret son...the difference is, 50 years ago that fence wasn't f**king electrified..."

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